The mentally retarded worshippers of the tree stump in Rathkeale, County Limerick are still trying to win their battle against the system, securing the safety of their beloved little piece of holy bollocks.

At first I was of the opinion that the fucking thing should be ripped from the ground and converted to sawdust; this might happen at a time when the foaming flock of fuckwits weren’t looking. Perhaps one could shout ‘social welfare bonuses over here, form an orderly line please!’ and then quickly move in to destroy the tree while the confused clatter of cunts are looking around, er, confusedly.

However, as I thought more about it, I came to the conclusion that taking the tree away would be unnecessarily cruel. It’s like when a child becomes attached to a teddy and won’t let it out of his/her sight. Finally you reach the point when the teddy is mouldy, dirty and smells like soiled underwear. In that situation you must protect the feelings of your child on one hand, while doing the best by their health and safety on the other. Some parents would wait until the child was asleep and the swap the manky teddy with something similar, possibly something the child will love even more.

I think the tree stump should be dealt with in a similar fashion. Most of the worshippers already have one-and-a-half feet in the grave, so the authorities should be decent and attempt to find a solution that doesn’t take away what is surely the last bit of  true happiness in their long, terrifying lives. Build a plastic copy of the holy stump and place it in a field, well out of the way. Make a public announcement that the tree stump is to be upgraded to an official holy relic and moved to a special shrine, beside a new airport and souvenir shops and the like. Then when the demented crowd are satisfied the future of their woody wonder is ensured, close off the area and get to work removing the unsightly stump. The tree devotees would scuttle out to the copied tree stump as soon as you told them the new location, and as they’re as thick as pigshit they wouldn’t even notice it wasn’t a real tree. Now, everyone’s happy.

Give it two months and the lot of them will be dead. Sadly for them I suppose, they’ll all burn in hell as they chose the wrong God to worship. Unfortunately, God is actually a bar of soap, an item they were never familiar with.