Oh most merciful Lord Jesus Christ in heaven. What can they possibly have up their sleeves? How are they going to top Smugbeard? Surely they can’t make something even more annoying? You know what? They probably can.

Irish phone companies seem to make an extra effort every Christmas to annoy the holy shit out of everyone with their irritating ads. You’ve got Vodafone with its ‘whaddya want for Chrimbo babe’ jerk. Then you have Three with its awful advert, the one that contains the stupid bimbo sending a picture of herself in trashy lingerie to the boyfriend, not realising that it will immediately be circulated to all his male contacts, and quickly end up on an amateur porn site. Daddy won’t be pleased, Claire. But I thought he was the one!

Nevertheless, the award for biggest Christmas douchebag goes to the bearded carol singer in the Meteor ads.

Beardy seems to be the epitome of the cocky Irish twentysomething. You’ll find him in Whelans every Saturday night, blathering on about Florence and the Machine, The Ting Tings and that time he met Glen Hansard in McDonalds on Grafton Street. Himself and Glen entertained the queues with their impromptu and heartfelt version of No Woman, No Cry. Beardy later on tweeted a picture of himself and Glen taking a disgusting shit in a Garda hat on South William Street before they went their separate ways.

If you ask Smugbeard what his favourite album is, he will decline to tell you, as you have probably never heard of the band.

Then he’ll wave you away with his stylishly ironic fingerless gloves.

Beardy/Smugbeard/Hipster Jesus scores at least one chick a night. And he NEVER wears a condom.

Over Christmas, you can catch the big bearded bopper bastard outside your local shopping centre, singing carols. Always ironically though.

EDIT – 8TH DEC: Beardy is miles ahead in the race to be the biggest Irish cunt. Beardy IS the biggest cunt, whereas Mary Harney HAS the biggest cunt.