1. If you are taking a bath, fill the bath with hot water from the shower. You can control the temperature more easily.

2. Leave your televisions and radios on all about the house. This way, whenever you walk into another room you are instantly greeted by your favourite entertainment.

3. Drive everywhere. If you cycle, then get rid of the bike and invest in a car. They are much faster and a lot more comfortable. Encourage your friends to do the same. Dispose of old bicycles by going for a drive in the country and then fucking them out onto the road when nobody is looking. This also works for elderly relatives.

4. Spray deodorants into the air outside your house. If everybody did this just once a day then imagine how much better the world would smell!

5. Throw all household rubbish into rivers and streams near your home. The water works as a natural cleanser, washing the rubbish away and making the countryside more pleasant.

6. If you don’t live near a lake or river, then expose of hazardous waste by depositing it in clothes banks. If there are no clothes banks around, feed it to an animal.

7. Burn plastics in a bonfire; it is the safest and cheapest way to destroy them. Oxygen is released into the air, enriching plant and animal life in the vicinity.

8. Use traditional, incandescent light bulbs. They are a lot cheaper and give a much brighter light.

9. Don’t use hot water from the tap when washing dishes. This is inefficient. Instead boil five kettles of water, and pour this water into your sink. The dishes are easier to clean when the water is scalding.

10. Leave your curtains open all day. It can be heartening to have a lovely view of the world outside. If you find the room is getting cold then simply turn on an electric heater for a few hours.

11. Defrost chickens, turkeys and other large pieces of meat in the tumble dryer. It is very quick, and you can fit plenty of items in at once. The meat is tenderised at the same time.

12. Place piping-hot food directly into the freezer for a minute immediately after cooking. This cools the food so you can tuck in straight away without burning your tongue.

13. Leave lights on in every room of the house. It helps to discourage burglars and ghosts and also allows you to read a book on the move.

14. Hoard every single newspaper, magazine or pamphlet that you come across. You will quickly accumulate a large amount of reading material, perfect for dipping in and out of over the years. If the amount gets too large then trim it down by throwing some of it out the window.

15. Buy household products with the largest, most impressive looking packaging. The quality brands will always have the most packaging, as they can afford to spend the most on it. Packaged fruit is cleaner and easier to carry.

16. Always buy plastic bags with your shopping. It will save you the inconvenience of bringing a big piece of fabric with you to the supermarket every time. Dispose of them by releasing them into the wild on a windy day.

17. When at a friend’s house, strongly resist any suggestions to smoke outside. Smoking outside is unpleasant. If a heated exchange results, use your fists to settle the argument. If you don’t smoke, then take it up, go round to their house and smoke in their faces out of spite.

18. Never buy clothes in charity shops. They could be diseased. Buy your clothes new, like a civilised person.

19. Buy books on Amazon. Libraries generally have a shit selection, and are always full of tramps and paedophiles. When the book arrives from Amazon, hide it. A week later, email them and say your book never arrived. They will accept your version of events without quibble and send another one out. When this book arrives, sell it on and use the money to buy your next book. If you repeat this method indefinitely, you get your books free. Make sure you have some money and a packed suitcase set aside in case you are rumbled and need to flee.

20. If you’re tired of wasting water by flushing the toilet then take a shit in a plastic bag, tie it up and hurl it as far away as you can.

21. Don’t buy a television licence. RTÉ’s programming is shit, and it’s hard to live with yourself if you knowingly pay Ryan Tubridy’s wages. If a licence fee inspector is in the area, just don’t answer the door. Eventually he/she will become frustrated and just stop trying. If this doesn’t work, or if you are ever caught by him/her on the way out of your residence, headbutt him/her and run away. If the inspector is male, there’s a surefire way to make sure the twat never bothers you again. You will first need to seduce and make love to him. This won’t be difficult, as licence fee inspectors are utterly pathetic and look like Rick Moranis. Females: rough yourself up and then accuse him of rape. Males: do the same. A broken bottle can be used to create injuries at short notice. If the inspector is female, shoot yourself with an unregistered handgun and then plant it in her handbag. Note that Martin Sheen or Bob Hoskins will likely be appointed to investigate the case, so be prepared to seduce and fuck them too. Turn down the lighting in your home, perfect a husky voice and smoke lots of Gitanes. This air of mystery will confuse the lawmen and entice them to not do things by the book. Then all you have to do is hire a fast-talking Jewish lawyer and wear extravagant fur coats to the trial. A media circus will generate, the whole thing will be a shambles and the licence fee inspector will be sent down.

For more tips, go outside your front door and call me.

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