I’m feeling genuinely happy this morning. Everything’s going to be alright. You see, I’ve just heard the most amazing and hopeful piece of news from my contact in Leinster House. It’s about to break all over the twitternet, so remember where you read it first.

Apparently Brian Cowen and Brian Lenihan have hit upon a surefire way of rescuing Ireland from recession. It all started when Lenihan was showing his parliamentary colleagues some of the various machinery being used on him in his heroic battle against the big C (Cancer, not Mary Harney). Green Party senator Dan Boyle was also present and was scoffing a footlong meatball marinara from Subway when, in an attempt to stop a saucy meatball from falling to the floor, he spilled his Coke all over the controls of one of them. What happened next was astonishing. A flash of blue light lit up the room and the hands of the clock on the wall started turning backwards before everybody’s very eyes. When the rapid spinning finally came to a halt, time had gone back one whole day! The lads had discovered time travel.

Dan Boyle enjoying the sunshine yesterday.

It wasn’t long before they were planning to move us all back to 1997, before everything got out of hand. Fianna Fáil were just coming into power then, so the lads are going to murder Bertie Ahern in an effort to avoid the devastating wall of shit that hit us a decade later. Dan Boyle wasn’t happy with the idea at first, as he was a relative nobody in 1997. However, he changed his mind when he realised he would instantly drop several jeans sizes if he went through with it.

He will also have a chance to try and keep his seat this time around. I don’t mean his Dáil seat, I mean the reinforced steel chair that was robbed from his home by a pack of lousy gurriers in 2004. Dan has been breaking an average of 1.3 chairs a month since then.