Father Fuck
Archbishop of Dublin Diarmuid Martin has urged young people not to leave the church. “I appeal especially to the young people among you not to abandon the church. Your firm, pert buttocks are a glorious ray of sunshine to us all in these troubled times. If you leave us now, we’ll have to go back to fucking carved out watermelons.” Archbishop Martin was speaking to a collection of stuffed animals outside St Andrew’s Church earlier today.
Meanwhile bishop of Limerick Donal Murray has pleaded with the public to stop their prayers for a week, until the backlog of prayers is cleared by his overhwhelmed staff. Bishop Murray had asked for the public to pray for him and for the victims of abuse. However, due to the sheer amount of prayers coming through the Limerick diocese, a significant number of prayers were attributed to the wrong recipients. Bishop Murray revealed yesterday in a press conference that due to an adminstrative error, several hundred prayers had been wrongly dedicated to dead sex beast Father Seán Fortune before being passed to God.
This has resulted in Father Fortune being freed from Purgatory and unleashed on billions of dead angel children, according to estranged father of four from Tullamore, Michael Thornpippen, who has claimed that he has been receiving news of happenings in Heaven from the ghost of Katy French. “This bastard’s seedy sex molestations are made easier by the fact that there are no clothes in heaven. There are genitals on display all the time, so someone like him is in heaven in Heaven,” Thornpippen said. “Also, orgasms are fourteen times more amazing in Heaven, so Father Fortune is gaining even more twisted satisfaction from his despicable acts. Katie said that the kids he’s targeting are innocent, wholesome ones. Apparently that’s how he gets his kicks. He couldn’t have the good grace to restrict himself to evil children like the Goebels kids. If I liked kids, that’s what I would do. I don’t like kids in that way though – I’m not a paedophile. The things that were said about me were utter lies, and they didn’t stand up in court. Sometimes children can tell lies. I have nothing to be ashamed of; only God can judge me.” Mister Thornpippen has compiled a website outlining in graphic detail how he believes the children were raped.
Bishop Murray had no comment on Thornpippen’s claims, and neither would he respond to claims that Father Brendan Smith has returned to earth from Heaven, and is wreaking havoc in the Monaleen parish.
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