Download audio file (bridie.mp3)

4fm: The Late Show with Niall Boylan

Valerie’s usual to-do list:

1. Call Liveline.
2. Buy tabs and hooch.
3. Watch Eastenders as Phil demands that Mohammed get out of his pub, but Mohammed refuses to get out of the pub.
4. Watch Coronation Street as Reg orders Percy to get out of his pub, but Percy refuses to get out of his pub. Des orders Curly to get out of his wife, but Curly refuses to get out of Des’s wife, then goes to the pub and refuses to get out of it.
5. Watch Fair City as Christy shouts at Seamus and tells him to get out of his pub, but Seamus refuses to get out of the pub, and instead demands that his child get out of Carol’s womb.
6. Watch Ros na Rún as Big Tom orders Medium-Sized Tom to get out of his pub, but Medium-Sized Tom refuses to get out of the pub.
7. Eat Findus Crispy Pancakes.
8. Call Adrian Kennedy.

from todayfm.com

Sensational new claims have been made which may solve one of Britain’s longest running mysteries, the story behind Lord Lucan’s disappearance and the death of his children’s nanny, Sandra Rivett.

Made by an ex-Flying Squad officer working at the time of the death of Rivett, it is alleged that that the 7th Earl of Lucan, Richard Bingham, who vanished without trace in 1974 paid a hit man to kill his wife. It is alleged that the hit man was none other than one of the world’s best loved actors turned politicians, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it is further alleged that Ms Rivett was killed in error in the bungled murder attempt.

Police investigating at the time ruled out a professional ‘hit’ due to the fact the nanny was bludgeoned to death by an iron bar wrapped in surgical tape. Investigating officers felt that such a weapon would be unlikely to have been used by a professional killer. But for ultra- strong body builder Schwarzenegger it was the obvious weapon of choice.

It was also a weapon he used to terrify London gamblers who owed debts from unlucky nights at casinos whilst working in London as a debt collector. He wrapped the iron bar in surgical tape to get more traction when using it as a cosh and sometimes put a sock over it to use it as a truncheon. The weapon was found in the hall of Lucan’s swanky home at 46 Lower Belgrave Street where pretty nanny 29 year-old Sandra Rivett was found murdered with appalling head wounds and stuffed in a US mailbag on the night of 14th November 1974

News of the World Online

A SCOTTISH radio station unfamiliar with the kind of Jamaican patois popularised by Ali G tried to convince Ofcom that a sexually explicit reggae song it played at three in the afternoon was actually a homage to a grilled Italian sandwich.

Brick FM, a community station in the Scottish Borders, confused the slang word ‘punany’, which refers to the female genitalia, with panini, a toasted sandwich. It also told the regulator that the word ‘fuck’ was not offensive because it is a “commonly used word in Scotland”.

The station ended up in the dock after an edition of a show called Rory’s Roots of Reggae hosted by a guest presenter called DJ Roundabout went out in February. During the programme, which aired at 3pm, he played an explicit version of the Tinie Tempah song Pass Out and the tune More Punany, by reggae artist Dr Evil.

Ofcom also suggested that the song More Punany could be considered offensive. There are references to threesomes, girls in “sexy bikinis” and virgins in the song, which has the chorus: “Last night me get some punany, right now me want more punany”.

However, the station appeared to get completely the wrong end of the stick when it said that as far as it was concerned ‘punany’ was a reference to a “sandwich sold locally and is made of Italian bread with cheese and tomato which is heated up”. That, of course, is a panini.

The First Post

Daily Mail

Kevin Myers is obsessed with Fallopia Whynge. I’m guessing that Kevin and Fallopia used to go out, but then Fallopia broke his heart. He mentions her in his columns every chance he gets. It’s time to move on Kevin, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I don’t know anything about the Grype sisters, Ovaria and Griselda.

And of course, no one else ever gets the easy interview that Fallopia Whynge or her sister-feminist Griselda Grype are given on RTE as they fulminate that advertising causes rape. And let me state quite clearly here, that this is not a cue for me to condemn rape.

INDEPENDENT

Just some of Fallopia’s previous appearances:

June 2011:

….there’s always the Orange prize for women writers only (which is announced today: imagine the outcry from those well-known literary feminists Fallopia Whynge and Ovaria Fume over a man-only literary award).

July 2010:

Lesbianism: the natural condition into which women are born, and from which they are dragooned by the coercive heterosexualist norms of a male-dominated society. Which well-known feminist said that? Fallopia Whynge? Phalline O’Pression? Ovaria Grype? None of them: I said it. Is mise.

May 2010:

Everyone outside the ranks of the Miserable Seventies Demented Feminists knows what the Hunky Dorys ads are about.

F-U-N. To be sure, Fallopia Whynge, Deirdre Desolee and Ovaria Martyr won’t get the simple joke about the sexy girls in skimpy togs playing rugby. That’s fine. We don’t want them to get it.

January 2006:

Yes, yes, I know that this column is feverishly read with howls of approval by Fallopia Whynge and her chums in the Department of Queer, Equality, Multicultural & Feminist Studies…

October 2005:

The last time she had gone unprepared into a vital committee meeting, Fallopia Whynge, the Yasser Arafat Professor of Women and Travellers’ Studies, had scooped most of the budget with her appalling tale of Army bigotry and of how not a single disabled lesbian Traveller had yet made it to brigadier-general.

December 2003:

The feminist scholar Fallopia Whynge told the rally: “Poor freedom-loving Iraq lies prostrate under the jackboot of US-led imperialism…”

The Irish Online Hate Wars

A growing list of Irish celebrities are coming to terms with the downside of a life lived online. Twitter, Facebook and other social media give celebs direct and immediate contact with their fanbase. It’s an ideal platform to advertise their latest book, exercise DVD, designer clothing line, etc, for free. But it also opens them up to the haters.

Haters is the term given to those who fling abuse at others online. Trolling is the verb used to describe what they do. The haters love nothing better than to troll famous figures and hopefully drag them into a fight. You don’t have to read too far between the lines of their bile to figure out that some of the haters have been bullied themselves.

A particular corner of online Ireland seems to have it in for Ryan Tubridy. Boards.ie, a site that hosts a variety of special-interest forums, is buzzing with Friday-night haters who reckon the best way to end the week is watching The Late Late Show with a bottle of wine and the laptop next to them on the couch.

If their negative comments on the site are anything to go by, they sound like they are sitting there in leather bondage gear, with a pool ball tied into their mouth, the remote control just out of reach, being whipped by a dominatrix in a Ryan Tubridy mask. They take incredibly perverse pleasure from watching Tubridy every Friday. The worst thing you could do to them is cancel the Late Late. Except, of course, they’re masochists, so they’d probably enjoy the pain.

Not to mention misogynists. A potent blend of piety, snobbery and good old-fashioned woman-hating erupted when pictures of the infamous McBarron sisters started to appear on the website showbiz.ie.

They were labelled the McMunters by people leaving comments at showbiz.ie and faced comments like: “Ah jaysus it’s the three billy goats gruff themselves, to what do we owe the pleasure? I’m only delighted there’s a market for ye, off ye go back to Donegal so where some half-blind farmer with a penchant for goats will see to ye.”

And: “god i cant bear to look at them, nightmares!!” Over at boards.ie, haters reacted with, “Head on her like a melted welly! Jesus thats rough” and “yer wan has a head on her like a bucket of smashed crabs”.