Get out of my house.
A reader made me aware of another Bridie, this time from Kerry. She gives some advice on how to quench a fire during the recession. A riveting piece of audio.
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Valerie’s usual to-do list:
1. Call Liveline.
2. Buy tabs and hooch.
3. Watch Eastenders as Phil demands that Mohammed get out of his pub, but Mohammed refuses to get out of the pub.
4. Watch Coronation Street as Reg orders Percy to get out of his pub, but Percy refuses to get out of his pub. Des orders Curly to get out of his wife, but Curly refuses to get out of Des’s wife, then goes to the pub and refuses to get out of it.
5. Watch Fair City as Christy shouts at Seamus and tells him to get out of his pub, but Seamus refuses to get out of the pub, and instead demands that his child get out of Carol’s womb.
6. Watch Ros na Rún as Big Tom orders Medium-Sized Tom to get out of his pub, but Medium-Sized Tom refuses to get out of the pub.
7. Eat Findus Crispy Pancakes.
8. Call Adrian Kennedy.
Oh great, says you. Another tedious fake news story from that big mental fucker. Well no, it’s actually a story from the creepy Giovanni Di Stefano’s hilarious new news website, News of the World Online. I was alerted to the existence of NOTWO by Private Eye; it is seemingly the result of some sort of harebrained scheme of Di Stefano’s to fill the void left by Murdoch’s News of the World. It has to be seen to be believed. Keep in mind that this bizarre news site is not intended to be satirical. Which only makes it all the more terrifyingly weird and shit.
Sensational new claims have been made which may solve one of Britain’s longest running mysteries, the story behind Lord Lucan’s disappearance and the death of his children’s nanny, Sandra Rivett.
Made by an ex-Flying Squad officer working at the time of the death of Rivett, it is alleged that that the 7th Earl of Lucan, Richard Bingham, who vanished without trace in 1974 paid a hit man to kill his wife. It is alleged that the hit man was none other than one of the world’s best loved actors turned politicians, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it is further alleged that Ms Rivett was killed in error in the bungled murder attempt.
Police investigating at the time ruled out a professional ‘hit’ due to the fact the nanny was bludgeoned to death by an iron bar wrapped in surgical tape. Investigating officers felt that such a weapon would be unlikely to have been used by a professional killer. But for ultra- strong body builder Schwarzenegger it was the obvious weapon of choice.
It was also a weapon he used to terrify London gamblers who owed debts from unlucky nights at casinos whilst working in London as a debt collector. He wrapped the iron bar in surgical tape to get more traction when using it as a cosh and sometimes put a sock over it to use it as a truncheon. The weapon was found in the hall of Lucan’s swanky home at 46 Lower Belgrave Street where pretty nanny 29 year-old Sandra Rivett was found murdered with appalling head wounds and stuffed in a US mailbag on the night of 14th November 1974
News of the World Online
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