Big Mental Disease

Report by Tom Humphries

Sir Alex Ferguson saw out his penultimate game as manager of Manchester United in style today with a spectacular goal deep into added time of their win against Swansea. United beat the Swans by three goals to one in what was Sir Alex’s last game in charge at the Theatre of Dreams.

With United already leading 2-1 through goals from Javier Hernandez and Rio Ferdinand, and the title having been wrapped up several games ago, Sir Alex was brought on by himself to see out the last few minutes of the game, Chief Executive Martin Gill having given Sir Alex the go ahead to bring on Sir Alex to make a historic appearance for the team.

Sir Alex, wearing a team shirt under his overcoat, was substituted for Robin Van Persie in the 92nd minute to rapturous applause from the home support.

With only seconds remaining of added time, Michael Carrick intercepted a wayward pass from Leon Britton deep in the United half and quickly fed Sir Alex, who had made a superbly-timed, incisive run down the left flank, with a curling long ball. Sir Alex brought the ball down beautifully on his chest and sprinted twenty yards before cutting inside to lose Ashley Williams and rocket a screaming shot from the edge of the penalty area into the top-right hand corner past Swansea keeper Gerhard Tremmel.

Sir Alex marks Sir Alex’s final home game with a goal and repays Sir Alex’s faith in Sir Alex on Sir Alex’s special day

The noise in the stadium was deafening as Sir Alex celebrated in front of the Stretford End, placing a finger in front of closed lips in a mischievous gesture to the naysayers. He then threw his chewing gum into the crowd and embraced his delighted teammates. But Sir Alex’s infamous perfectionism meant that he berated himself after carelessly losing possession shortly after the goal, even threatening to take himself off if he didn’t sharpen up.

President of the Irish Manchester United Supporters Club Ger O’Hare believes that it was the greatest moment in the history of the illustrious club. “His management has been a glorious period, the goal was the icing on the cake. He deserves this, the fans deserve it. I deserve this. I won’t forget this day as long as I live.”

However Chief constable Sir Peter Fahy of the Greater Manchester Police has criticised Sir Alex’s decision to bring on Sir Alex. Fahy was concerned by the tying up of police resources in attempting to get Sir Alex to an ambulance through the mountain of plastic red devils clogging the departure lanes of Old Trafford. Sir Alex was left in urgent need of medical attention after suffering two heart attacks and a major stroke shortly after the final whistle.

Eamon Dunphy criticised the decision, calling it a ‘loathsome spectacle’ and branding Sir Alex a ‘thug.’ “This sort of nonsense would never happen in Spain. I watch a lot of the Spanish league on Sky Sports,” quipped the ex-Milwall player and libertine.